For those of you who read the previous 8 posts I have posted in my blog, please do not have any negative feelings to those that caused harm to me. You see Trish (the step mother) her mother passed 3-4 days after giving birth to Patricia. From there she was taken from her father and passed around from Aunt and Uncle to Aunt and Uncle. She was finally placed into the home of my dad and mom (her aunt and uncle). There she didn't get much of a childhood and was used as a scapegoat for my mom. An example, my mom had taken my dads coin collection and pawned it. She blamed Patricia and my dad beat her from one end of the house to the other. After Patricia died in 2001 my dad told me he was glad he had to opportunity to apologize to her before her passing. She had a lot of disorders that controlled her. You see mental illness runs in my family. My family refused to believe they exist and we all function normally. I believe Patricia had more than just depression, I believe she had some psychosis as well. She wasn't a bad person, just a person who did what she did to survive the only way she knew. She didn't love me nor did she want me. She took me because Herbie wanted me and I was a way for her to get money from my dad and Herbie after Herbie and she divorced. She didn't like my family such as my dad and brothers, she spoke ill of my mother but not much. She made it very clear even just a few weeks before her passing. The anger and hatred she had towards them she took out on me. It wasn't right I know, but it was the only way I guess she seen she could get back at them. Even though I never told them not even into my adult years.
Her situation is very sad actually. She acted differently around different people trying to fit in and be a part of something. She never really was herself. I don't think she knew how to be herself. She was always trying to gain acceptance from others, even if it meant lying and putting on a fake front. I mean seriously, how horrible that you can't be yourself because you believe you aren't good enough. No one really wanted her either growing up and I don't know the extent of her abuse, but I know it was enough to make her think she was a piece of garbage her whole life. I am not making excuses for her and am still trying to forgive her for the things she did to me.
As for the mental illness, it runs in my family, my parents battled alcoholism, depression, my dad grew up with not much affection and he raised his kids the same. My dad is NOT a bad man. He just raised his the way he was raised. As for my mom, I know she was raised religious but don't know much more beyond that. We as kids (meaning my brothers, Patricia and I) did not get hugs and kisses, we didn't get told "I love you" we were an out of site out of mind children. It was an evil cycle that dwindle down. I chose not to have children in fear that I would raise my children the same way. What if I was abusive to my children? I think the guilt would consume me, but it was how I was raised. Would I be strong enough to stop the cycle? I don't know the answer to that, therefore I chose not to have children. I sometimes regret that decision, but sometimes I am glad I made it. I too suffer from depression. Growing up, I was reminded daily that I was not good enough, that I should just kill myself like my brothers. I did attempt several times, which all time obviously I didn't succeed. Sometimes I would get beaten sometimes I wouldn't but I was always told what an attention pig I was and that I needed to grow up.
Some of this stuff carries on my shoulders but I know different and fight everyday to remind myself that I am someone, I am a good person, and though I don't have much I have everything.
\So please before you judge or make a snide remark, poke fun or do whatever you or someone you know may do to someone, remember this, you don't know what life is like for them and you may finally throw them the bullet they've been looking for to end it all. Instead, smile and ask them how their day was. You never know how a smile and a polite question could really impact someones life, you could be the bullet or the shield. Who knows you may save a life and make a friend..
