Yes it has been a long time since I have posted. Alot has been happening. I don't know where to begin, but lately I've been struggling. I don't know if I am coming or going. I finally got a job! Yay me! But I feel so lost and so empty. I feel as though I am completely alone. Although I have friends I feel like those friends who I have cherished for years have become a thing of the past. I know they are busy and have their own lives but I was once a part of that life and now I am a memory.
I struggle with being alive. I feel as though sometimes I am already dead. Do I just pop up and people see me and say how they miss me or love me? Because sometimes I c an be standing right in front of them and cannot be seen nor heard. I don't know how to explain how I feel, but it's almost like the walking dead. I am a spirit and only few see me, some acknowledge me and others just pass on by. Is it me that is the living among the dead or me the dead among the living...
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Friday, February 15, 2013
Ramblings
I'm not good at expressing my emotions. I just usually write it all down. I can't seem to locate my journal as you may call it. My anxiety levels are through the roof. I lay in bed almost every night and go into a panic. I cry sometimes as I am trying now to fight. I think of all those I care about that I have let down. What little family I have, only a few talk to me. I don't know why for some. Others I know why and I am over it. That was beyond my control as to why we no longer communicate. I feel in some cases I am owed an apology. But those I feel I have let down, I don't know why to apologize. I feel as if I am distancing myself and I don't want to do that.
You see after my dad had passed away I became isolated. I had no family. I don't even to this day celebrate holidays unless a friend takes pity on me and invites me over. I do celebrate Memorial Day my most expensive holiday mind you.
I'm feeling scared and even suicidal because I don't have a job and for some reason cannot obtain employment. I did have an interview for a job, two interviews to be exact. They both went very well. They have not called me and it has been a week. I know they have alot of applicants and are opening a new facility and that takes time. But paranoia consumes me. I am being very positive and putting myself as if I work there and when I talk about it I talk as if I already have the job. But in reality I don't. I feel as though what few people I call my friends I have let down. I for some reason have made them ashamed to be my friend or embarrassed by me. I truly feel as if I am in a black room with no doors or windows and no matter how loud I scream no one can hear me.
I worked so hard to find happiness in my life and to be positive and for the most part I am. But when I lay down every night to go to bed I think of the failures and the lets downs I have created. Do I end it all because I've gone to far and all I know may be gone? I am scared of tomorrow but pray for that phone call that the job I interviewed for and am being positive about calls.
My entire life I have felt that only animals can understand me. My pets love me unconditionally. Sometimes I feel as though they are all I have. But if all I have vanishes I can't support them. Are they and the rest of the world better off without me? I know I am having selfish thoughts right now, but I can't help it. I try and push them out and sometimes I succeed. But lately it has been a battle that I may lose. I feel right now as if I am on top of it and letting my impatience get the best of me. I know the job is coming I can feel it. I don't know why I don't listen to myself.
I am a fighter, I will do what I have to do to over come this. But I am feeling tired. I don't sleep more than about 5-6 hours a week. I know it is because of my anxiety. I know everything will be ok, but it needs to happen sooner than later.
I miss my dad. I miss my friend (although I would never talk to either of them about this) I was always told growing up I would be a failure....a dead crack whore who no one cared about found dead in a gutter (yes that was told me and I have never even done crack) Please give me the strength to go forward and prove them wrong. I don't want to be another statistic....
You see after my dad had passed away I became isolated. I had no family. I don't even to this day celebrate holidays unless a friend takes pity on me and invites me over. I do celebrate Memorial Day my most expensive holiday mind you.
I'm feeling scared and even suicidal because I don't have a job and for some reason cannot obtain employment. I did have an interview for a job, two interviews to be exact. They both went very well. They have not called me and it has been a week. I know they have alot of applicants and are opening a new facility and that takes time. But paranoia consumes me. I am being very positive and putting myself as if I work there and when I talk about it I talk as if I already have the job. But in reality I don't. I feel as though what few people I call my friends I have let down. I for some reason have made them ashamed to be my friend or embarrassed by me. I truly feel as if I am in a black room with no doors or windows and no matter how loud I scream no one can hear me.
I worked so hard to find happiness in my life and to be positive and for the most part I am. But when I lay down every night to go to bed I think of the failures and the lets downs I have created. Do I end it all because I've gone to far and all I know may be gone? I am scared of tomorrow but pray for that phone call that the job I interviewed for and am being positive about calls.
My entire life I have felt that only animals can understand me. My pets love me unconditionally. Sometimes I feel as though they are all I have. But if all I have vanishes I can't support them. Are they and the rest of the world better off without me? I know I am having selfish thoughts right now, but I can't help it. I try and push them out and sometimes I succeed. But lately it has been a battle that I may lose. I feel right now as if I am on top of it and letting my impatience get the best of me. I know the job is coming I can feel it. I don't know why I don't listen to myself.
I am a fighter, I will do what I have to do to over come this. But I am feeling tired. I don't sleep more than about 5-6 hours a week. I know it is because of my anxiety. I know everything will be ok, but it needs to happen sooner than later.
I miss my dad. I miss my friend (although I would never talk to either of them about this) I was always told growing up I would be a failure....a dead crack whore who no one cared about found dead in a gutter (yes that was told me and I have never even done crack) Please give me the strength to go forward and prove them wrong. I don't want to be another statistic....
Monday, January 14, 2013
Part 10
I've been doing alot of thinking over the past few months and realized that things in life happen for a reason. I look back on my life and realize that everything in life that I have gone through has made me the person I am today. I am far from perfect and have many flaws. I have battled depression, am battling health related problems as we speak. I've decided to make some changes in my life and with my lifestyle. I have had to cut some people out of my life who were bringing me down. These weren't people who I would say hello in passing too, these were people I considered my friends. I feel good about these decisions and feel lifted. I too have lost those who I still want in my life but circumstances has taken them from me.
I had a very good friend whom I grew up with since I was 10 years old (mind you I am 37 now) whose life was tragically taken from us all on July 4th, 2012. He was having a get together at his house when an underage kid came and was trying to drink alcohol. The kid was asked to leave several times that night he was not happy about it. He called his cousin to come get him and when his cousin arrived he stabbed my friend in the abdomen and in the neck taking his life.
I was at that party but had left early as I wasn't into the whole party scene nor the drama that came with it. I was home by 10:30 pm that night. I received a phone call around 3:15 am from another person who was having their own personal issues. She had asked me to come get her from a different location and so I headed out to get her. As I was headed to her location I passed the street in which my friend KC lived on and seen police cars everywhere. I turned down that road and pulled up in front of his house. When I got out of the car I was approached by a police officer who took my name and told me there was an altercation and a man was taken to the hospital. He would not give me any names. I then left and headed to the hospital where again I was given no information. As I was leaving in a panic, a friend of mine who was KC's roommate was outside and told me that KC was gone. I replied to him, "Gone where'? He told me that KC has passed. I was unsure how to respond, I cried and felt angry. We were originally told he was his in the neck with a brick and later found out he was stabbed.
After I gathered my composure, I told my friend Josh who was at the hospital and advised me of KC's passing that we needed to contact his family. Josh didn't want to make the call, I didn't want to make the call, but it had to be done. I tried calling KC's dad but he had his phones turned off. I contacted his sister who immediately began to cry. Why was I making this phone call? This isn't what I should be doing at 4:30ish in the am. She contacted the rest of her family and they all headed to the hospital. About an hour after they arrived I proceeded home. I cried alot that day with friends. I understand he is gone, but don't understand why. Was it just his time? Was he in the wrong place at the wrong time? He didn't do anything other than not let and underage kid into his home to drink.
Court has started but it has been rocky. I feel for his family, his friends, and for some of the family of those responsible. I mean they too are suffering.
I've distanced myself from some and others have distanced themselves from me. I have put forth effort to keep in touch with some friends, but they don't seem to respond. I can't keep chasing ghosts, so I am choosing to move on. I am saddened as some I considered dear friends but I can't force them to continue to be my friends. Life is a little chaotic, but it too shall soon settle.
I had a very good friend whom I grew up with since I was 10 years old (mind you I am 37 now) whose life was tragically taken from us all on July 4th, 2012. He was having a get together at his house when an underage kid came and was trying to drink alcohol. The kid was asked to leave several times that night he was not happy about it. He called his cousin to come get him and when his cousin arrived he stabbed my friend in the abdomen and in the neck taking his life.
I was at that party but had left early as I wasn't into the whole party scene nor the drama that came with it. I was home by 10:30 pm that night. I received a phone call around 3:15 am from another person who was having their own personal issues. She had asked me to come get her from a different location and so I headed out to get her. As I was headed to her location I passed the street in which my friend KC lived on and seen police cars everywhere. I turned down that road and pulled up in front of his house. When I got out of the car I was approached by a police officer who took my name and told me there was an altercation and a man was taken to the hospital. He would not give me any names. I then left and headed to the hospital where again I was given no information. As I was leaving in a panic, a friend of mine who was KC's roommate was outside and told me that KC was gone. I replied to him, "Gone where'? He told me that KC has passed. I was unsure how to respond, I cried and felt angry. We were originally told he was his in the neck with a brick and later found out he was stabbed.
After I gathered my composure, I told my friend Josh who was at the hospital and advised me of KC's passing that we needed to contact his family. Josh didn't want to make the call, I didn't want to make the call, but it had to be done. I tried calling KC's dad but he had his phones turned off. I contacted his sister who immediately began to cry. Why was I making this phone call? This isn't what I should be doing at 4:30ish in the am. She contacted the rest of her family and they all headed to the hospital. About an hour after they arrived I proceeded home. I cried alot that day with friends. I understand he is gone, but don't understand why. Was it just his time? Was he in the wrong place at the wrong time? He didn't do anything other than not let and underage kid into his home to drink.
Court has started but it has been rocky. I feel for his family, his friends, and for some of the family of those responsible. I mean they too are suffering.
I've distanced myself from some and others have distanced themselves from me. I have put forth effort to keep in touch with some friends, but they don't seem to respond. I can't keep chasing ghosts, so I am choosing to move on. I am saddened as some I considered dear friends but I can't force them to continue to be my friends. Life is a little chaotic, but it too shall soon settle.
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