I'm not good at expressing my emotions. I just usually write it all down. I can't seem to locate my journal as you may call it. My anxiety levels are through the roof. I lay in bed almost every night and go into a panic. I cry sometimes as I am trying now to fight. I think of all those I care about that I have let down. What little family I have, only a few talk to me. I don't know why for some. Others I know why and I am over it. That was beyond my control as to why we no longer communicate. I feel in some cases I am owed an apology. But those I feel I have let down, I don't know why to apologize. I feel as if I am distancing myself and I don't want to do that.
You see after my dad had passed away I became isolated. I had no family. I don't even to this day celebrate holidays unless a friend takes pity on me and invites me over. I do celebrate Memorial Day my most expensive holiday mind you.
I'm feeling scared and even suicidal because I don't have a job and for some reason cannot obtain employment. I did have an interview for a job, two interviews to be exact. They both went very well. They have not called me and it has been a week. I know they have alot of applicants and are opening a new facility and that takes time. But paranoia consumes me. I am being very positive and putting myself as if I work there and when I talk about it I talk as if I already have the job. But in reality I don't. I feel as though what few people I call my friends I have let down. I for some reason have made them ashamed to be my friend or embarrassed by me. I truly feel as if I am in a black room with no doors or windows and no matter how loud I scream no one can hear me.
I worked so hard to find happiness in my life and to be positive and for the most part I am. But when I lay down every night to go to bed I think of the failures and the lets downs I have created. Do I end it all because I've gone to far and all I know may be gone? I am scared of tomorrow but pray for that phone call that the job I interviewed for and am being positive about calls.
My entire life I have felt that only animals can understand me. My pets love me unconditionally. Sometimes I feel as though they are all I have. But if all I have vanishes I can't support them. Are they and the rest of the world better off without me? I know I am having selfish thoughts right now, but I can't help it. I try and push them out and sometimes I succeed. But lately it has been a battle that I may lose. I feel right now as if I am on top of it and letting my impatience get the best of me. I know the job is coming I can feel it. I don't know why I don't listen to myself.
I am a fighter, I will do what I have to do to over come this. But I am feeling tired. I don't sleep more than about 5-6 hours a week. I know it is because of my anxiety. I know everything will be ok, but it needs to happen sooner than later.
I miss my dad. I miss my friend (although I would never talk to either of them about this) I was always told growing up I would be a failure....a dead crack whore who no one cared about found dead in a gutter (yes that was told me and I have never even done crack) Please give me the strength to go forward and prove them wrong. I don't want to be another statistic....
