The battle of depression is real. I have battled and denied it my whole life. I really don't have anyone I feel comfortable talking to about it. I've gone to counseling and I feel like I am a project, regardless of the "psych" doctor. I've tried many medications and am even currently on one, but the battle doesn't seem to get easier. The struggle to not take my own life is truthfullly wearing me out. I fight non stop to stay here, to keep breathing, to keep my head above my "woes" I truthfully don't know how much longer I can continue to breathe.
I feel like I haven't really ever had anyone in my life who has truly give a shit about me. Yes, I know people have but in my state of mind they never did. I know my dad, my mom, two of my three brothers and a few friends have truly gave or some still give a shit. But I am so engulfed my my own black hole that I fail to see it. I do 1 million percent feel as though everyone will be better off if I were to cease to exist.
The thing is, I have one or two people that I feel I can talk to about most things. But those conversatons quickly turn into "them." For example, I will talk to one and say, "Oh whoa is me." and they respond by saying, "Oh I hear you, I've been whoa is me and this and this and this and that and *tears* my life is so miserable!" Really??? Is your life that fucking miserable? I don't say anything other than find a reason to get off the phone as I do not have these converstaions face to face as I am embarrassed. Then I find myself pulling further and further away from that person. Then weeks or months or even years I think, "God! I am a selfish asshole!" and I give them a phone call. Conversastions go alright for a while and then, I start marching in my fucking pity parade and their whoa is me is way more whoa than mine and I can't handle it.
Why can't someone just be like "oh ok" and smile and nod? No, it's them, them, them and I want it to be me, me, me! I know that sounds selfish, trust me I know. That is as reason I struggle opening up. But I truthfully feel that I am screaming in a black hole and the only one who can hear me, is me.
My only escape is my own head, my own thoughts.. But I am trapped in them and cannot escape.
I want to call my brothers my mom, my dad or even an ear that I thought truthfully gave a shit. I don't think my parents ever did, or at least they didn't act like it. I don't know if my brothers did, they chose to leave here, by ending their lives.
Maybe I am "selfish" I struggle with letting go and I always cry "why"? Why did you leave me? Why did you choose to go? Why did you end your own life? What in the hell did I ever do to deserve this life? This life of emptiness, alone, and dark.... I truthfully don't know what to do.
Sometimes I just wish I had a simple solution to end it all... Maybe then someone will hear me!
Tuesday, August 16, 2016
Saturday, February 6, 2016
My Name
Bitch, Whore, Selfish, Ugly, Fat, Loser, Pathetic, these are a few of the names I have been called my whole life. I guess it was easier to just give me one name for the public and all those names for everyone else. You make things miserable, you are too obsessive, you are dumb, you are disgusting, you are attention seeking, you are a fat slob, you're uglier than a dog walking backwards with dingleberries in his fur. These are a few of the characteristics I have been told quite often throughout my life.
These names and ideas of myself is what I have been told most of my life, from as far back as I can remember until recently. I believe them. I try to change these bad things about myself, but no matter how hard I try to change, I keep getting reminded that I am these things.
Growing up, I was a bad kid. I came home five minutes after I was told too or five minutes before I was told too. I didn't like to eat what was on my plate as the meat usually came from a pet and well I was a kid, I didn't like most vegetables. I was forced to eat things that I thought were gross. No matter how bad I gagged or even if I puked, I still had to eat it. If I liked what was for supper and went for seconds, I was told "No wonder you're fat! Look at all the damn food you're eating. I cannot afford to keep feeding you." As I got older and was no longer forced to eat what was on my plated, I dreaded having to eat in front of people. I was made fun of when I ate and reminded of how fat I was or how ungrateful I was. Sometimes, I would not eat to avoid being made fun of, and believe it or not, I liked going to bed without supper. When I would get treats I would hide them in my room and snarf them down when no one was watching. I would sometimes hoard food.. I now find myself binge eating.
No matter what happened, it was always my fault. Even if I wasn't there when it happened or it had nothing to do with me, it was my fault, I would cry if something bad happened, such as a vehicle breaking down, or a dish getting broke while I was at school. One time I went to pick up my pay check, I had asked to borrow $5 for gas as I didn't have much gas. I said I would pay it after I picked up my check, which would of been all but thirty minutes. I was told no, that I would make it. I didn't make it. I ran out of gas. I went to the nearest house to use the phone. My phone call apparently caused someone to spill their soup, so it was my fault and I had to replace that bowl of soup by paying $20, plus the gas it cost them to bring me gas and pay for the gas they brought for me car. My $80 pay check, was now gone.
I've always walked with my head hung. In my early teens, a neighbor said to me, "Julie, why do you always walk with your head down"? I didn't realize that I did, and said that I didn't know. I still walk with my head down. I really don't want people seeing my ugly face. I don't even like to have my picture taken as someone will always have a reminder as to how ugly I am.
I don't really like to eat in front of people, but if I do, it's not a very big amount. Why? Cause I don't want people to see how fat I am. But when no one is around, I stuff my face with about anything I can find.
I was always told what a horrible person I was and was afraid that I would be the people in my life who conditioned me to be the way that I am. I chose not to have children. I wish I would of had children or even a child. I don't think I would of been them.
My view of myself would not be healthy for a child. I am sure when I meet my maker those who convinced me that I was a nothing with many names, will show sorrow, sorrow with a plastic frown. I've believed this is what love is, since these are things that were said to me by people who said they "loved" me.... One day my journey will end and so will my shame..
These names and ideas of myself is what I have been told most of my life, from as far back as I can remember until recently. I believe them. I try to change these bad things about myself, but no matter how hard I try to change, I keep getting reminded that I am these things.
Growing up, I was a bad kid. I came home five minutes after I was told too or five minutes before I was told too. I didn't like to eat what was on my plate as the meat usually came from a pet and well I was a kid, I didn't like most vegetables. I was forced to eat things that I thought were gross. No matter how bad I gagged or even if I puked, I still had to eat it. If I liked what was for supper and went for seconds, I was told "No wonder you're fat! Look at all the damn food you're eating. I cannot afford to keep feeding you." As I got older and was no longer forced to eat what was on my plated, I dreaded having to eat in front of people. I was made fun of when I ate and reminded of how fat I was or how ungrateful I was. Sometimes, I would not eat to avoid being made fun of, and believe it or not, I liked going to bed without supper. When I would get treats I would hide them in my room and snarf them down when no one was watching. I would sometimes hoard food.. I now find myself binge eating.
No matter what happened, it was always my fault. Even if I wasn't there when it happened or it had nothing to do with me, it was my fault, I would cry if something bad happened, such as a vehicle breaking down, or a dish getting broke while I was at school. One time I went to pick up my pay check, I had asked to borrow $5 for gas as I didn't have much gas. I said I would pay it after I picked up my check, which would of been all but thirty minutes. I was told no, that I would make it. I didn't make it. I ran out of gas. I went to the nearest house to use the phone. My phone call apparently caused someone to spill their soup, so it was my fault and I had to replace that bowl of soup by paying $20, plus the gas it cost them to bring me gas and pay for the gas they brought for me car. My $80 pay check, was now gone.
I've always walked with my head hung. In my early teens, a neighbor said to me, "Julie, why do you always walk with your head down"? I didn't realize that I did, and said that I didn't know. I still walk with my head down. I really don't want people seeing my ugly face. I don't even like to have my picture taken as someone will always have a reminder as to how ugly I am.
I don't really like to eat in front of people, but if I do, it's not a very big amount. Why? Cause I don't want people to see how fat I am. But when no one is around, I stuff my face with about anything I can find.
I was always told what a horrible person I was and was afraid that I would be the people in my life who conditioned me to be the way that I am. I chose not to have children. I wish I would of had children or even a child. I don't think I would of been them.
My view of myself would not be healthy for a child. I am sure when I meet my maker those who convinced me that I was a nothing with many names, will show sorrow, sorrow with a plastic frown. I've believed this is what love is, since these are things that were said to me by people who said they "loved" me.... One day my journey will end and so will my shame..
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