The battle of depression is real. I have battled and denied it my whole life. I really don't have anyone I feel comfortable talking to about it. I've gone to counseling and I feel like I am a project, regardless of the "psych" doctor. I've tried many medications and am even currently on one, but the battle doesn't seem to get easier. The struggle to not take my own life is truthfullly wearing me out. I fight non stop to stay here, to keep breathing, to keep my head above my "woes" I truthfully don't know how much longer I can continue to breathe.
I feel like I haven't really ever had anyone in my life who has truly give a shit about me. Yes, I know people have but in my state of mind they never did. I know my dad, my mom, two of my three brothers and a few friends have truly gave or some still give a shit. But I am so engulfed my my own black hole that I fail to see it. I do 1 million percent feel as though everyone will be better off if I were to cease to exist.
The thing is, I have one or two people that I feel I can talk to about most things. But those conversatons quickly turn into "them." For example, I will talk to one and say, "Oh whoa is me." and they respond by saying, "Oh I hear you, I've been whoa is me and this and this and this and that and *tears* my life is so miserable!" Really??? Is your life that fucking miserable? I don't say anything other than find a reason to get off the phone as I do not have these converstaions face to face as I am embarrassed. Then I find myself pulling further and further away from that person. Then weeks or months or even years I think, "God! I am a selfish asshole!" and I give them a phone call. Conversastions go alright for a while and then, I start marching in my fucking pity parade and their whoa is me is way more whoa than mine and I can't handle it.
Why can't someone just be like "oh ok" and smile and nod? No, it's them, them, them and I want it to be me, me, me! I know that sounds selfish, trust me I know. That is as reason I struggle opening up. But I truthfully feel that I am screaming in a black hole and the only one who can hear me, is me.
My only escape is my own head, my own thoughts.. But I am trapped in them and cannot escape.
I want to call my brothers my mom, my dad or even an ear that I thought truthfully gave a shit. I don't think my parents ever did, or at least they didn't act like it. I don't know if my brothers did, they chose to leave here, by ending their lives.
Maybe I am "selfish" I struggle with letting go and I always cry "why"? Why did you leave me? Why did you choose to go? Why did you end your own life? What in the hell did I ever do to deserve this life? This life of emptiness, alone, and dark.... I truthfully don't know what to do.
Sometimes I just wish I had a simple solution to end it all... Maybe then someone will hear me!
