Every morning behind closed curtains I watch the sun rise. Every moment after that I watch the sun set. It is dark in my world.
In case some of you who think you know or do know or have no clue what it is like to be in the mind of a depressed individual, I am going to share some insight. Now, this information does not describe each individual as everyone is different. But it may shed some light for those of you who don't get it, don't care or think you know everything there is to know cause it said so in a book.
You can wake up in the morning feeling like you just won the cover of a Wheaties box and other days you wish you were on the side of a milk carton. There really is no between. Doctors give you medication, safety plans, projects to do to better yourself, material to read to identify what you are going though, tests to take at every visit to rate you on a numbers scale. Apparently mine are bad, cause I scored over 20 on each one.
When you are depressed, you don't want anyone's pity, nor do you really want their attention. You don't even want your own attention. You just want to close your eyes and wake up to sunshine and unicorns. But that reality doesn't exist for you, only in your head. So you withdraw, stop doing things you love, stop talking to those who you care or cared about. You stop calling them, they stop calling you. You may reach out to one here or there, but they are busy and don't have time to sit down and bull shit for a minute. So that pushes you down even a little bit more. Is it their fault, no, but no one really has the time for you. That is what you think and well you know it, right?
Maybe you become angry, maybe you cry, maybe you go and do something crazy, hoping these behaviors make it go away....They don't. So you back away from people even further, you begin to distance yourself, eventually to the point your are isolated in your own hell. No one will ever know that hell even if you spell it out for them. Now your phone calls stop, so do your text messages and social media. Hell, you may even shut down your social media cause no one really gives a shit about you, so why keep them informed. They don't care enough to reach out. You tried reaching out a few days, weeks maybe months ago and they didn't respond then so why the hell would they care now?
You have a few things in your life that make you happy, maybe a pet, maybe a secret place, maybe your bedroom, maybe your imagination of what it is like to be who you were before depression took over. Maybe you no longer have that happy spot...maybe your happy spot is quietly in your head planning your demise. After all, no one will care that you are gone. No one is going to miss you. I mean who really gives a fuck that you exist? Your family? They don't care....Your friends? They have moved on with their own lives and well, lets be frank, you aren't a part of that anymore.
So reality sets in, but there aren't anymore tears to cry, there isn't anymore anger to blow....the only thing you have in an empty shell surrounding a heart that you pray stops beating sooner than later. Maybe you blame God, maybe you blame someone who hurt you, maybe a tragedy that happened to you, maybe it is something that has always been inside you that you have always ignored and you buried it. Now it has dug its way out and you no longer have the strength to bury it..
Some turn to drugs, that is a temporary cure, isn't it? Maybe you turn to booze? I mean, hey at least you may get a good night sleep. Maybe you turn to food, it gives you comfort right? Comfort food? Or maybe, you've been there, done that and discovered that it doesn't work. So now you try and reach out a few times more to people you feel comfortable with. You call, no answer, or you get that text, "I'll call you back" They are probably busy or maybe having a moment. But nah...they don;'t want to talk to you, no one wants to talk to you. As a matter of fact, nobody gives a shit about you and well, let's be honest, they would all be better off without you...But then they call you back. Could be a short but sweet conversation, maybe a long well needed one, or it could be that gave you a moment of relief. You now say your goodbyes and hang up. A few moments go by and you feel alright, someone does care , right? No, they don't, they just called you cause they felt obligated too since you called them and they didn't want to be rude. I mean after all, they have more important things to do that worry about you.
Now what, you have nothing.... Your family really doesn't give a shit, your friends don't either. Now you choose to make a stand, you choose to take control of you, you choose to write your final chapter in your so called "Book of Life"
Now, you may spontaneously go out and grab a gun, get a rope, grab a bottle of some toxic cleaner, maybe handfuls of pills....but some of us think it through... Yes we know you will be better off without us and we just want to make it easy for everyone.... So you decide, this is how you are going to do it. No one knows you are hurting or that you are feeling this way cause no one cares right? You look at your phone, maybe social media, oh someone commented on your post, but that last phone calls you have had were someone trying to sell you something or robo calls.
No one can know you feel this way, cause you don't let them. When you do see people, maybe at the store or maybe while you are out doing things and run into someone. When you did go hang out with your friends or family you were happy, funny and doing great....That's what you make them think anyways.
You set the day, the time and the place....time doesn't really matter, all is going to go well and you my friend are going to be pain free in a matter of minutes. The time has come, you are ready and you are going to do this...you're not going to be a trend, you are ending your pain, you aren't seeking attention and truthfully you don't want anyone to feel bad for you. No one is going to miss you and will finally be relieved you are gone.
You write your note, or maybe you don't.. You're not upset, or maybe you are. Maybe deep down you are praying someone will come rescue you or maybe you pray they don't. But in reality, no one is coming. You make your final move....POOF, you are gone.
This is not a story, this is a basic outline of what it is like to be depressed, to be suicidal. When an individual is gone, they are gone. There is no coming back. Some say it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, But in our heads, it is the only solution cause nothing is going to get better, it will only get worse. We hurt inside and out, and we know we are hurting others. Do not take it personal. Don't beat yourself up by saying "I could of been there more or I should of called" Truthfully, once our mind is set, it is set and nothing really you can do. We only want to end our pain...and it no way can we ever explain it to you to make you understand. No medication is going to fix us, no book smart therapist, no safety plan and nobody. Just sometimes, not every time, we may see a light, even if it is a dim light and some may get an ounce of hope. It may last until their time has come by God's hand, or until the next time.
These steps do not take place over a few days or a few weeks...Most take years. No matter how much light there is, in our world it is always dark.
Julie Cole
