Wow!  So much has gone on since I have wrote last.  I decided to end my life, obviously it did not work.  I was at a wall and didn't see a way out. My husband and I had purchased some handguns so we could go shooting at targets and for protection just in case.  They mostly sit in their cases, locked and unloaded.
I was having a few months of internal grief and struggled daily.
I felt alone, empty, tired and seen no light at the end of my tunnel.  I put the gun in my mouth, it felt like it was in there for hours, but it was a matter of seconds.  I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and pulled the trigger.....nothing....I pulled it again....nothing.  I opened my eyes and the magazine had fell out and there was not a bullet in the chamber as I did not lock in the magazine, even though I thought I had.

I was then taken to a hospital and admitted into the "Nut House."  It was a humiliating and horrible experience.  Strip,   touch your toes and cough.  Wear this gown cause you c't wear your shorts cause it has a draw string.

The next day they had Psychiatrists come in and talk to me.  I begged and pleaded for them to release me and they agreed, although they were hesitant.  They referred me to a Psychologist who specialized in trauma and PTSD.  Needless to say he did not accept my insurance.  I found another counselor, but he seemed to be the patient and I the counselor as he talked about his childhood tragedies and never really let me talk.  I quit going a month after I started and did not bother finding another one.  I have just not had luck in finding anyone in that profession that I feel comfortable talking too.  Not sure still if life is really worth going on for.....