Emptiness

Do you know what love feels like?  Rather it be from a parent, sibling, family member,  friend or significant other.  Do you know what it feels like to be wanted?

The only thing in this life that has ever truly loved me and makes me feel wanted are animals.  Pets that I have had throughout the years.

My father, he chose the bottle over me,  my mother I didn't have the chance to get to know as she died when I was 4.  One of my brothers liked me when I was little, but as I got older he never really kept in touch.  My other brother liked me, but Cocaine was his true love, my oldest brother and I did not get along.  All of whom has passed.

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I lived with my cousin who made it very clear the hate she had for me.  In the public eye she was kind and loving, but when there wasn't anyone around, she was ruthless and mean.  My first husband used

me to get out of his current situation.  I worked three jobs to cover his spending habits.  He found another online 7 years later, and I sent him packing.

My current husband cares only about a paycheck and only about his truck.  He would much rather spend time on the road than here with me.  I gave up everything I knew and everything I had so he could fulfill his dream of living on the west coast.  I know no one out here and and living in a camper taking care of his brothers daughter.

I have my 3 dogs, 5 cats, I left my other cats back home.  I gave my home to his daughter and her family.  She agreed to take care of my animals until I can return to get them.  

I love my animals with everything.  They keep me calm, they warm my heart and they love me despite my flaws.  I become sad and miss them when I am away from them as I know they become sad when I am away.

Maybe I am not meant to be loved by a human.  Maybe I am only but a convenience for them.  I have never been good enough for any of them in my life whom I should of mattered too.  Sure I have friends, but it is rare they reach out to me, it is usually I that reaches out to them. 

In the end, it is just me and only me with my animals.  I believe my time is coming sooner than later and I worry who will take care of my babies.  No one will love them like I do and no one will mourn me like they will.