Part 7

Well 9th grade rolled around and back to gym class I go.  UGH!! Do they ever not make you run a mile.  Oh I hated it.  But hey it was a Friday, maybe this weekend I could go sleep at my friends house since I pretty much spent most of my time there.  Her family was nicer to me than my own.  They always included me in everything. 
Well that was the first weekend back in school, at least I had time to be me.  I didn't get in trouble and was friends with most everyone.  Ok I was friendly.
Trish had some errands to run that Saturday August 20th of 1990.  So we ran around and did some shopping.  We went everywhere.  Luckily this time I didn't do anything to make her angry and it ended up being a pleasant time.  I think she even bought me lunch.  I couldn't wait to get home though so I could call my friends and go "hang out" that was the cool thing to do.  I was too old to play now.
We got home several hours after leaving.  I helped her carry all the stuff she had just bought into the house.  After everything was put away, I went for the phone.  But the light was blinking, that meant there was a message on the answering machine. (Yes, the kind that had a little cassette tape in them)  Trish started acting as though she was one of my friends and said in a silly voice, "Julie this is your friend call me."  I laughed and hit play.  Only that was the message I wish that was left.  It was my oldest brother Scott, he sounded so upset.  He said, "Craig is gone.  We lost him." 
What does that mean?  I was like no.  My brother Craig had attempted suicide 3 times prior to this.  He had shot himself in the face with a 30 ot 6 in October of 1989.  He thankfully did not succeed.  He again tried pills and whiskey and carbon monoxide.  He finally succeeded by hanging.  I cried my eyes out.  How could this be?  Why would he do this to me? He and my brother Larry were the only ones who loved me..
We got in the car and drove to my dads house which was about an hour away.  I was somewhat pushed to the side.  Julie is too young, she don't understand, she doesn't need to hear this.  I was left alone at my dads house while everyone went to the neighbors to drink.
The next day we went to get my brother Larry.  I was so excited to see him.  He lived out of state at the time.
My brother Larry had an addiction to cocaine.  He was shoved aside more than I was.  He and I were very close however.  Only he would never let me be around when he did his drugs or were around those "friends".  I found out a little later that the night of Craig's services, my dad and Scott told my brother Larry, "It should of been you that killed yourself, not Craig."
I spent alot of time with Larry after Craig's passing.  I told him all of the stuff that Trish had done to me.  He told me hit her back.  A few weeks after that, I went for a walk.  I was upset about Craig and when I came home, Trish greeted me at the door, (I was 15) and she slapped me across the face and said, "You're nothing more than a fucking tramp." I never felt so much anger in my entire life.  I just went for a walk.  I don't know what came over me, but I took Larry's advice and I punched her right in the face and said, "don't you ever hit me again you bitch."  I wasn't even scared of her reaction either.  She just walked off.  She never hit me again either.
Larry did tell my dad about what was being done to me and my dad just ignored it.  Out of sight out of mind is how he seen things. 
Eighteen months after we buried Craig, I went to my mom's ex boyfriends mom's house.  I called her Grandma.  I loved her, she was always nice to me and both her and Trish's ex boyfriend always stood up for me. Trish had called and my Grandma hung up and said, "Julie needs to go home now."  I said, "I don't want too, I just got here I wasn't bad."  Her ex boyfriend put me in the truck and started to drive.  I looked at him and said, "Larry is dead, he killed himself didn't he."  He said, "yes"  Guess their wish came true.  He had told Trish that he didn't tell me that I guessed.  From that moment on, Larry's suicide was all my fault......That guilt ate at me for years.