Part 8

It was time to bury my brother Larry and my best friend.  I was at my dads house.  No one understood how I felt and it was like none of them cared.  I was all dressed and ready to go.  I went outside and was standing on my dads porch.  My brother Scott come out and said, "you know how selfish this is of Larry"? "Now some drug dealer is going to starve to death."  I remember that moment like it was yesterday.  I felt the tears dry up, my face go red and I screamed to the top of my lungs, "why would any drug dealer starve to death when they have you to support them." I told him I hated him and walked away.
We all load up in the car and headed to the mortuary.  I wouldn't talk to Scott at all.  I wouldn't even look at him.  How dare he say that about Larry when he has the same problem but denied it.  I wouldn't even look at Larry in his casket and pretty much avoided everyone.  This is my brother, my best friend, what am I going to do?  Why would he do this to me?  He promised he NEVER would leave me and never  take his own life.  I was so angry, so upset, so mad I could of spit fire.  We left that night after the viewing and I stayed at my dads house while everyone went down the road to have a drink and unwind.  Trish came back for a moment and said, "Well, I hope you feel better, now Larry is gone and it is your fault."  "How is it my fault"? I replied.  "You knew he was suicidal and you did nothing about it." she said.  I replied, "I told my dad I found the note." "Alot of good that did.  Hope you can live with yourself."  She left and I began to cry.  I eventually fell asleep and woke up the next day to attend his funeral.  I got dressed and went outside.  We got to the mortuary and I just kept my head hung.  All these people knew his death my fault.  Before they closed the casket, I decided to go up to him and say goodbye.  I waited til I was alone.  I looked in there and he had a smile on his face.  I became so angry I wanted to punch him. "How could you smile when you left me here"? I screamed.  I hit the floor and lost it.  My brother Scott came in to pick me up and I started yelling at him telling him I hated him for what he said.
The funeral was over and life was back to normal.  I still dwelled on his death. Why didn't I prevent it.  I decided I was going to go for a walk.  I walked clear up into a neighboring town which was about 5 or more miles away, found a rock in a field and sat on it.  I had both Larry and Craig's picture in my pocket.  I took them out and talked to them for quite some time.  I let them know that I missed them and asked Larry not to hate me as I didn't mean to cause him to die.
It started to get dark and I headed home.  I got home and decided to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  Trish came in and said, "how was your walk"? I said it was ok.  She then looked at me and said, "you miss Larry that bad"? I didn't respond.  She told me to give her my butterknife that I wa s making my peanut butter and jelly sandwich with.  I said, "wait a minute, I am almost finished." She said, "No, give it to me now." she then turned and kicked my feet out from under me, puched me to the ground pinned my arms with her legs and began choking me.  I was trying to scream but couldn't muster out a peep.  The look on her face but pure hate. I was out.  I don't know how long I layed there until I came too, but when I did she was standing over me eating my peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  She looked down on me with a smile and kicked me in the side, stepped on my stomach and said, "you should of died"  I stood up, put my head down and mustered, "I wish I would of."