Part 12

Sometimes in life we have dirty little secrets.  I have a dirty little secret myself.  I have depression.  I try to say it is a mild case but it is not.  It isn't severe either, or so I don't think.
I've always thought I was worthless, selfish, ugly, fat and many other things.  You can try to tell me I am not, but I won't believe you.  It's been burned in my head since I can remember.  The bruises, cuts and broken back from the physical abuse is nothing compared to the verbal abuse I have dealt with.
I walk around like I am great! People say or you're so funny or I wish I was as strong as you.  But in reality, I am not strong, it is an act.  The humor, most of it is to hide my pain.
I met a man and shortly after meeting him I fell in love.  I don't do that as I didn't believe in love, nor did I think I was worthy despite the fact that he does love me.
I have a hard time expressing how I feel and get consumed by my emotions.  I keep them hidden as no one needs to know that I am weak or that I cry when they aren't around.  No one needs to know how I feel the world would be a better place without me.  I mean it was told to me growing up and my brothers did it, why can't I?  My ex husband told me at the end of our marriage, "Look at you! No wonder your brothers killed themselves." Yeah you think, what a dick right...But why did they kill themselves?  I don't know the reasons, only what I have been told.  Could it be because of me?
After the death of my father, I began drinking quite heavily. More than normal.  I don't drink that much, but when I do, I get lit up.  I started drinking almost daily and spent alot of money on alcohol.  I woke up in a bed of vomit not knowing how I got home and decided that wasn't the life I wanted to live.  I made changes. I still went to the party but I drank a soda mostly.  My friend became quite the partier in which in time he realized that most of these new "friends" were just using him for the party.  I mean he did have them at his house and he did supply some of the booze.  Just as he was starting to see that these people weren't really his "friends" he had a party, of course they all showed up, I mean a place to party, free alcohol.  I left early that night as I didn't care for much of his party "friends". He was murdered that night due to some drama that didn't even involve him.  I strayed away from that crowd. None of them were my friends, with the exception of a few.  I didn't care for most of them anyways.  I began to hang out with another group of friends as older friends faded away.  I had a good time with these friends.  They were positive, drama free and we had fun.  Then I meet a wonderful man whom I love, and focus on him and my relationship.  He is gone though for work alot and I understand that.  I go with him most of the time, but sometimes there are things I need to stay home for, so I stay behind. I talk to him daily.  But still with as good as he is to me and treats me like a queen, I still feel as though I am not worth it.  I feel like he could do a lot better than me.
I guess sometimes in life I just need an ear, not an argument.

Part 11

It's been awhile since I have blogged.  Things have been a lil crazy, some in a bad way but most in a good way. I has a viral attack on my heart which had me hospitalized for a few weeks.  But I am a champ, I wrecked that shit.
I've done alot of soul searching and have come to an agreement with myself.  After years of battling depression, I decided I was going to fight back and take me back.  I still battle occasionally, but for the most part I am great.  I've weeded out a lot of negative things and people that were weighing me down in life.  That helped immensely.  I started doing things that I normally wouldn't do and put myself out there.  I had a saying I went by everyday and said it every morning when I woke up.  It is now tattoo'd on my leg so I can be reminded if I start being in a foul or negative mood.  It says, "Today is yours Paint it beautiful" Ok it doesn't help when I am in a bad mood, but hey we all have those days.
I started going out with friends, doing things on weekends and basically picking my ass up and making it do something.
Once I started to do things and surround myself with friends and positive influences, I found myself being more happy and not struggling to do so.  Hell, I would wake up to go to a job I hated at 5:30 am and would be happy about it.  I think something may of been wrong with me mentally there.  Haha.  Simple things started to mean something rather than the things that complicated life.
I met a man in the end of March.  Although I thought nothing of it, because quite frankly, I didn't want a relationship nor did I believe in love, we hit it off.  Things went super fast. Holy shit Batman, I swore I would never marry again, as the first time was a miserable experience and I was adapting to my single life. But before you knew it, we eloped on May 23, 2014. With that came 4 children, haha...Don't worry I haven't killed one of them yet.  No, actually they are great kids, I wouldn't change them for anything.
He treats me amazing, unlike I have ever been treated and he puts up with my shit.  I quit that miserable job, and now travel with him.  He drives truck for a living and we have gone to some pretty cool places.  We were laid over in New Orleans for a weekend, so we made the best of it and went down to Bourbon Street, we took a tour with an super cute tour guide named Pumpkin Pie.  She was a 16 year old mule.  We visited St Louis Cemetery #1 and the grave of Voodoo Queen Marie Laveau.  The stories were awesome, the history is amazing.  I highly recommend to anyone to go on that tour if anything.
Anyways, things are going well for now, I will be going with him sooner or later, depending on an event that may or may not happen.
I hope if anything you get from this, that no matter how bad life seems to be, as long as you keep your head up and boobs out, everything will be alright.

Its taken me a bit but I've been on a journey to better me and life. I've lost a few so called friends and gained some amazing friends. Life seems to be perfect.... Well almost... But things are falling into place.. Before I know it, I will be right where I'm supposed to be. I still struggle with a few insecurities, but have come a long way.
I wake up everyday and say to myself, "today is yours. Paint it beautiful." That's exactly what I do. I had it tattoo'd on my leg so in the event I wake up in a bad place, I remind myself of the beauty that day will bring. I've grown quite a bit and will continue to do so... My life isn't quite where I want it but it will be soon. When my time comes I will know that somewhere out there, I will have made a difference to someone, even if it was just a smile..