Part 12

Sometimes in life we have dirty little secrets.  I have a dirty little secret myself.  I have depression.  I try to say it is a mild case but it is not.  It isn't severe either, or so I don't think.
I've always thought I was worthless, selfish, ugly, fat and many other things.  You can try to tell me I am not, but I won't believe you.  It's been burned in my head since I can remember.  The bruises, cuts and broken back from the physical abuse is nothing compared to the verbal abuse I have dealt with.
I walk around like I am great! People say or you're so funny or I wish I was as strong as you.  But in reality, I am not strong, it is an act.  The humor, most of it is to hide my pain.
I met a man and shortly after meeting him I fell in love.  I don't do that as I didn't believe in love, nor did I think I was worthy despite the fact that he does love me.
I have a hard time expressing how I feel and get consumed by my emotions.  I keep them hidden as no one needs to know that I am weak or that I cry when they aren't around.  No one needs to know how I feel the world would be a better place without me.  I mean it was told to me growing up and my brothers did it, why can't I?  My ex husband told me at the end of our marriage, "Look at you! No wonder your brothers killed themselves." Yeah you think, what a dick right...But why did they kill themselves?  I don't know the reasons, only what I have been told.  Could it be because of me?
After the death of my father, I began drinking quite heavily. More than normal.  I don't drink that much, but when I do, I get lit up.  I started drinking almost daily and spent alot of money on alcohol.  I woke up in a bed of vomit not knowing how I got home and decided that wasn't the life I wanted to live.  I made changes. I still went to the party but I drank a soda mostly.  My friend became quite the partier in which in time he realized that most of these new "friends" were just using him for the party.  I mean he did have them at his house and he did supply some of the booze.  Just as he was starting to see that these people weren't really his "friends" he had a party, of course they all showed up, I mean a place to party, free alcohol.  I left early that night as I didn't care for much of his party "friends". He was murdered that night due to some drama that didn't even involve him.  I strayed away from that crowd. None of them were my friends, with the exception of a few.  I didn't care for most of them anyways.  I began to hang out with another group of friends as older friends faded away.  I had a good time with these friends.  They were positive, drama free and we had fun.  Then I meet a wonderful man whom I love, and focus on him and my relationship.  He is gone though for work alot and I understand that.  I go with him most of the time, but sometimes there are things I need to stay home for, so I stay behind. I talk to him daily.  But still with as good as he is to me and treats me like a queen, I still feel as though I am not worth it.  I feel like he could do a lot better than me.
I guess sometimes in life I just need an ear, not an argument.