Funny right?

Funny right?  I find my true love, my soul mate, We have had our ups and downs, but who doesn't.  I mean after all we are still learning each other. I do love him very much.
There are just some things in life that I don't feel comfortable talking about to anyone really.
My self esteem is non existent, I don't understand my purpose for being here.  Suicidal thoughts run through my head daily.  I've attempted in the past but obviously I have failed.
I feel as though I do not make anyone happy and am somewhat of a parasite on society.
I can't vocalize my feelings as I just get the response, "Quit it" "We love you" "You're just out to get attention" I have tried to talk to some, but they remind me that their life is way worse and that why am I crying over it.  I try to discuss things that go on and am yelled at, as it isn't "my place" It's my home.  Do I have another place?  Am I not supposed to be here?
I guess if you don't struggle with depression you may not ever understand.  You see, most people who do not battle with it, think we are just feeling sorry for ourselves, trying to get attention or think we just need to get over it.  It's not that.  You truly don't understand the definition "worthlessness" until you you hit the bottom.  Those with depression, struggle everyday to get up from the bottom, some do it, some don't, some even fall down.
I get tired climbing, I get tired fighting, it seems easy just to lay down and quit. Some end their lives, most refer to them as cowards or selfish.  They don't understand it and I find them to be selfish.  A coward isn't going to end their life, a selfish person, wouldn't consider you when they do.
A mentally ill person can truly believe that the world would be a better place if they weren't in it.  They think by them leaving that their friends and family would be better off and happy.  It is a release of pain that you will never truly understand unless you have been there.  I have tried 3 times, and obviously each time I failed.  You aren't grateful that you were found, or saved, or didn't die.  You are embarrassed, ashamed, sad, and you feel like a failure.  You live with this every day of your life.
I don't care what a text book Psychiatrist says, or a Licensed Counselor.  They know what a book tells them.  They learn what society expects. I actually feel sorry for them that they wasted all their money for a piece of papers that says, "You understand" well they don't.  Unless they have actually been there.
I felt the pain on both sides of the spectrum.  I've lost two brothers and a friend to suicide.  I have attempted it 3 times on my own. Neither side is easy, you're left wondering why, or you're left feeling empty.
Survivors may blame themselves. But in reality, no one is to blame, but the illness.  So before you go judging and making snide comments, maybe you should spend a day in their shoes and see how it really is.