An Afternoon Sunset

Every morning behind closed curtains I watch the sun rise.  Every moment after that I watch the sun set.  It is dark in my world.

In case some of you who think you know or do know or have no clue what it is like to be in the mind of a depressed individual, I am going to share some insight.  Now, this information does not describe each individual as everyone is different.  But it may shed some light for those of you who don't get it, don't care or think you know everything there is to know cause it said so in a book.

You can wake up in the morning feeling like you just won the cover of a Wheaties box and other days you wish you were on the side of a milk carton.  There really is no between.  Doctors give you medication, safety plans, projects to do to better yourself, material to read to identify what you are going though, tests to take at every visit to rate you on a numbers scale.  Apparently mine are bad, cause I scored over 20 on each one.

When you are depressed, you don't want anyone's pity, nor do you really want their attention.  You don't even want your own attention.  You just want to close your eyes and wake up to sunshine and unicorns.  But that reality doesn't exist for you, only in your head.  So you withdraw, stop doing things you love, stop talking to those who you care or cared about.  You stop calling them, they stop calling you.  You may reach out to one here or there, but they are busy and don't have time to sit down and bull shit for a minute.  So that pushes you down even a little bit more.  Is it their fault,  no, but no one really has the time for you.  That is what you think and well you know it, right?

Maybe you become angry, maybe you cry, maybe you go and do something crazy, hoping these behaviors make it go away....They don't.  So you back away from people even further, you begin to distance yourself, eventually to the point your are isolated in your own hell.  No one will ever know that hell even if you spell it out for them.  Now your phone calls stop, so do your text messages and social media.  Hell, you may even shut down your social media cause no one really gives a shit about you, so why keep them informed.  They don't care enough to reach out.  You tried reaching out a few days, weeks maybe months ago and they didn't respond then so why the hell would they care now?

You have a few things in your life that make you happy, maybe a pet, maybe a secret place, maybe your bedroom, maybe your imagination of what it is like to be who you were before depression took over.  Maybe you no longer have that happy spot...maybe your happy spot is quietly in your head planning your demise.  After all, no one will care that you are gone.  No one is going to miss you.  I mean who really gives a fuck that you exist?  Your family?  They don't care....Your friends?  They have moved on with their own lives and well, lets be frank, you aren't a part of that anymore.

So reality sets in, but there aren't anymore tears to cry, there isn't anymore anger to blow....the only thing you have in an empty shell surrounding a heart that you pray stops beating sooner than later.  Maybe you blame God, maybe you blame someone who hurt you,  maybe a tragedy that happened to you, maybe it is something that has always been inside you that you have always ignored and you buried it. Now it has dug its way out and you no longer have the strength to bury it..

Some turn to drugs, that is a temporary cure, isn't it?  Maybe you turn to booze?  I mean, hey at least you may get a good night sleep.  Maybe you turn to food, it gives you comfort right?  Comfort food?  Or maybe, you've been there, done that and discovered that it doesn't work.  So now you try and reach out a few times more to people you feel comfortable with.  You call, no answer, or you get that text, "I'll call you back"  They are probably busy or maybe having a moment.  But nah...they don;'t want to talk to you, no one wants to talk to you.  As a matter of fact,  nobody gives a shit about you and well, let's be honest, they would all be better off without you...But then they call you back.  Could be a short but sweet conversation, maybe a long well needed one, or it could be that gave you a moment of relief.  You now say your goodbyes and hang up.  A few moments go by and you feel alright, someone does care , right?  No, they don't, they just called you cause they felt obligated too since you called them and they didn't want to be rude.  I mean after all, they have more important things to do that worry about you.

Now what, you have nothing.... Your family really doesn't give a shit, your friends don't either.  Now you choose to make a stand, you choose to take control of you,  you choose to write your final chapter in your so called "Book of Life"

Now, you may spontaneously go out and grab a gun, get a rope, grab a bottle of some toxic cleaner, maybe handfuls of pills....but some of us think it through... Yes we know you will be better off without us and we just want to make it easy for everyone.... So you decide, this is how you are going to do it.  No one knows you are hurting or that you are feeling this way cause no one cares right?  You look at your phone, maybe social media, oh someone commented on your post, but that last phone calls you have had were someone trying to sell you something or robo calls.

No one can know you feel this way, cause you don't let them.  When you do see people, maybe at the store or maybe while you are out doing things and run into someone.  When you did go hang out with your friends or family you were happy, funny and doing great....That's what you make them think anyways.

You set the day, the time and the place....time doesn't really matter, all is going to go well and you my friend are going to be pain free in a matter of minutes.  The time has come, you are ready and you are going to do this...you're not going to be a trend, you are ending your pain, you aren't seeking attention and truthfully you don't want anyone to feel bad for you.  No one is going to miss you and will finally be relieved you are gone.

You write your note, or maybe you don't.. You're not upset, or maybe you are.  Maybe deep down you are praying someone will come rescue you or maybe you pray they don't. But in reality, no one is coming.  You make your final move....POOF, you are gone.

This is not a story, this is a basic outline of what it is like to be depressed, to be suicidal.  When an individual is gone, they are gone.  There is no coming back.  Some say it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem,  But in our heads, it is the only solution cause nothing is going to get better, it will only get worse.  We hurt inside and out, and we know we are hurting others.  Do not take it personal.  Don't beat yourself up by saying "I could of been there more or I should of called"  Truthfully, once our mind is set, it is set and nothing really you can do.  We only want to end our pain...and it no way can we ever explain it to you to make you understand.  No medication is going to fix us, no book smart therapist, no safety plan and nobody.  Just sometimes, not every time, we may see a light, even if it is a dim light and some may get an ounce of hope.  It may last until their time has come by God's hand, or until the next time.

These steps do not take place over a few days or a few weeks...Most take years.  No matter how much light there is, in our world it is always dark.

Julie Cole

Emptiness

Do you know what love feels like?  Rather it be from a parent, sibling, family member,  friend or significant other.  Do you know what it feels like to be wanted?

The only thing in this life that has ever truly loved me and makes me feel wanted are animals.  Pets that I have had throughout the years.

My father, he chose the bottle over me,  my mother I didn't have the chance to get to know as she died when I was 4.  One of my brothers liked me when I was little, but as I got older he never really kept in touch.  My other brother liked me, but Cocaine was his true love, my oldest brother and I did not get along.  All of whom has passed.

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I lived with my cousin who made it very clear the hate she had for me.  In the public eye she was kind and loving, but when there wasn't anyone around, she was ruthless and mean.  My first husband used

me to get out of his current situation.  I worked three jobs to cover his spending habits.  He found another online 7 years later, and I sent him packing.

My current husband cares only about a paycheck and only about his truck.  He would much rather spend time on the road than here with me.  I gave up everything I knew and everything I had so he could fulfill his dream of living on the west coast.  I know no one out here and and living in a camper taking care of his brothers daughter.

I have my 3 dogs, 5 cats, I left my other cats back home.  I gave my home to his daughter and her family.  She agreed to take care of my animals until I can return to get them.  

I love my animals with everything.  They keep me calm, they warm my heart and they love me despite my flaws.  I become sad and miss them when I am away from them as I know they become sad when I am away.

Maybe I am not meant to be loved by a human.  Maybe I am only but a convenience for them.  I have never been good enough for any of them in my life whom I should of mattered too.  Sure I have friends, but it is rare they reach out to me, it is usually I that reaches out to them. 

In the end, it is just me and only me with my animals.  I believe my time is coming sooner than later and I worry who will take care of my babies.  No one will love them like I do and no one will mourn me like they will.

Depression strikes again...

I don't know why everyday I struggle to get out of bed, get dressed and do my daily routine.  I isolate myself and become highly irritable when I have to be around people.  My niece lives with me and has for almost a year.  She is undisciplined and has had no structure. 
She gets under my skin and taps on every last nerve I have.  She is back talks, disrespectful and is so so loud.  Spoiled too...I am partially to blame there,but I have cracked down.  I don't know how to handle her.  I have never been a parent and I surely would have never dared act like that as a child or even as an adult to my parents.
My husband gets after me cause I lose my patience and sometimes blow up but I am getting better at walking away, although she doesn't ever get it and follows me.  I tell her to give me my space and she is right up in my face and I blow. 
I agree to move to a different state so my husband can be happy.  We had no place to live, so we parked our camp trailer on his friends property.  I had only met these people once prior to moving and really don't know them.  I mean she seems really nice, but her husband gives me vibes that he doesn't want us here.
My husband is never home as he is gone on the road.  I will say he has been home a little bit more since we have moved here, but it isn't the same.  He is busy visiting with friends or doing  things around their yard with our stuff. 
I just feel so alone and truthfully invisible.  If my niece left for a few weeks, I swear I would disappear for good.   
I don't need to be found, there is plenty of wildlife around here, I am sure they wouldn't mind a fatty meal.  I truthfully don't want to be on this planet anymore.  I feel like I am being tortured for being such a horrible person.
Then there is the question "why"?  My whole family is gone.  Not that they really cared much for me.  They were not around.  In my older years, when I was old enough to drive, I would go see them, but it was very rare they came to see me.  I think the last time my dad came to see me is when I graduated High School in 1994.  He died in 2009.  Do they hate me that bad, that they don't want me over there?  Or is it that they like watching me suffer?

Wow!  So much has gone on since I have wrote last.  I decided to end my life, obviously it did not work.  I was at a wall and didn't see a way out. My husband and I had purchased some handguns so we could go shooting at targets and for protection just in case.  They mostly sit in their cases, locked and unloaded.
I was having a few months of internal grief and struggled daily.
I felt alone, empty, tired and seen no light at the end of my tunnel.  I put the gun in my mouth, it felt like it was in there for hours, but it was a matter of seconds.  I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and pulled the trigger.....nothing....I pulled it again....nothing.  I opened my eyes and the magazine had fell out and there was not a bullet in the chamber as I did not lock in the magazine, even though I thought I had.

I was then taken to a hospital and admitted into the "Nut House."  It was a humiliating and horrible experience.  Strip,   touch your toes and cough.  Wear this gown cause you c't wear your shorts cause it has a draw string.

The next day they had Psychiatrists come in and talk to me.  I begged and pleaded for them to release me and they agreed, although they were hesitant.  They referred me to a Psychologist who specialized in trauma and PTSD.  Needless to say he did not accept my insurance.  I found another counselor, but he seemed to be the patient and I the counselor as he talked about his childhood tragedies and never really let me talk.  I quit going a month after I started and did not bother finding another one.  I have just not had luck in finding anyone in that profession that I feel comfortable talking too.  Not sure still if life is really worth going on for.....

It's been a long time since I have posted.  Truthfully, it would not let me in my account, I finally figured out how to get on here.
So much has happened I don't even know where to begin.
I have been having some back issues, but who am I kidding I have had back problems since I was a kid.  When I was 11 I was in gym class doing our activities, nothing out of the ordinary.  My back started hurting but I shrugged it off.  The next day we had to run the mile (oh I so hated that) but I couldn't even stand up straight.  I walked like I was sitting down.
I explained to my teacher that I was having back pain but she told me to run anyways.  I usually finished running it within 5-10 minutes, but this day, it took me almost 2 hours.  She didn't let me stop either.  I was even late for my next class.
When I got to my next class, I had a test to take.  I had to walk to the front of the classroom to get my copy since I was late, it was so painful.  I finally got my test, sat down and took it.  I took my time cause I didn't want to get up to turn it in.
I turned it in and my teacher asked if I was ok, I replied, "no".  She sent me to the principals office in which I called my Grandma (she wasn't biological, but I loved that woman) she came and got me.
I felt so much pain.  I was only 11 and I didn't cry, if you read my previous posts, you will know why.  I was accused of faking and lying about it to get out of school, which was not the case.  I called my dad, who made her take me in and I don't really know what was wrong with my back. I was told it was Scoliosis, but advised in my later years that there was no way ever had that as my spine is straight as can be.
As I got older, I felt your aches and pains that you get daily cause you are older.  It finally became to the point where I was unable to walk further than a few feet.  I finally went to the doctor and he suggested a MRI, I was hesitant, as those usually mean surgery.
I finally go in and have two MRI's within a few months.  I find out that I have Degenerative Disc Disease, Lumbar Stenosis, Osteoarthritis, Osteophytes (bone spurs), 7 bulging  discs and 5 herniated discs.
I was sent to a specialist who in turn did several injections in my spine and did a spinal ablation.  I cannot that was the best thing I have ever done.  Several people swore by it, but it just caused me to have some crazy muscle spasms.  I was down literally for a few months. 
I was then sent to a surgeon who stated he would not perform surgery on me as the hernia was in my Thoracic spine and he does not touch that.  He then sent me to his partner, who then told me that nothing was wrong with me and there was nothing he can do for me.  I got very upset cause I knew the pain I was feeling was real and not in my head.  I went back to the specialist and let them know what the surgeon had said.  They in turn called him and had him send over his notes.  According to his notes, my back had too much damage that even if he performed surgery on me, it would not make a difference due to all the damage.  All though that didn't give me much hope, at least I no longer felt like I was faking.
That being said, I was given a handicap placard and told there was nothing more that they can do for me and sent me on my way.
During the end of that, I was starting to have other issues.  The Osteoarthris had not only started in my spine, it had moved all throughout my spine, it had worked its way to my hands, knees, hips and was really starting to bother me in my neck.  I was suddenly having problems breathing, my muscles were weakening and causing pain with little to no movement.  I had gained a whole lot of weight, I was becoming more and more depressed.  Not to mention I was so irritable that the littlest things set me off.  My heart was constantly racing and my oxygen was dropping. My hair was falling out, I was falling apart and know one knew why.   But they blamed the weight gain, even though that was one of the symptoms.
I was put on oxygen, had to do breathing tests, heart tests, more breathing while exercising tests all to find out that I had a mild left ventricle impairment which wasn't really causing my issues, but nothing was wrong with my heart or my lungs.
I had a thyroid ultrasound and my thyroid was enlarged, but my the blood work came back normal.  I had the blood work again 6 months later and everything was normal.  So again they sent me in for another ultra sound on my thyroid.  This time, it had doubled in size from the last ultrasound. 
That being said, I was referred to another specialist, only this time I was moving out of state and had to find another doctor.