Journal Entry 1

 I am not sure where to start.  I feel like I am standing in a room full of people and no one sees me.  I feel like I am screaming and no one hears me.  I have never been one to speak of my problems or insecurities.  I crack jokes and poke fun of that kind of stuff.  I have a sinking feeling in my chest.  It truly feels like I have an elephant sitting on my chest.  I just want to cry, but I can't.

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I am in a place in my life where I know I have no purpose.  I don't have a job, I lost my job 7 months ago and I can't seem to find a job.  Sure many fast food jobs are hiring, but due to me having arthritis in my back, hands, neck, knees and hips.  Not to mention neuropathy in my feet and hands, I can't do that.  I live alone with a child.  My husband drives truck and rarely comes home.  Maybe every 4 to 6 weeks, sometimes longer.

I moved to a new state and left the state that has been home to me my whole life so he could live in his dream state.  I moved with his promise that he would be home more, but it is just the opposite.  I have no one to talk too.  My friends back home, most don't talk to me much anymore and the ones that do, seem to be busy when I call.  Some call back and some do not.  I don't want to burden them with my state of mine, they don't need to nor do they want to hear it.  I can't tell any of this to my husband cause it turns into a fight.  Hell, even when I am on the phone with him, it is me that carries the conversation if he answers the phone.  I usually get a text telling me he will "call me in a few" but he rarely calls, it is me who calls him back.

I truly know that I am a burden to everyone.  I get unemployment, so I can still help but feel like a HUGE failure.  My husband will complain that he has to pay rent on a house that he doesn't get to live in.  I have temporary custody of my 11 year old niece, and I pray she stays with one of her parents for a little bit in the summer.  I truly want to die.  No one will even know I am dead.  They'll just be like she isn't answering her phone.  Man I pray for death.  I truly just want to die.  My husband is all about the dollar bill, and well no one else really gives a shit.  So with me gone, no one will feel the burden and my husband will no longer have to pay rent for a house he doesn't get to live in.s