I am all over the place. Once minute I am calm, the next minute I want to cry. The next I am biting your head off for doing absolutely nothing. I have been diagnosed with BiPolar 1 and PTSD. I didn't know there was more than one BiPolar.
I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow. He is like the 10th one I have been too. I liked him in the beginning. Then he started talking politics. UGH.... why can't people just not bring up politics and have a normal conversation. I don't care what party you affiliate with, I am not going to discuss my political views cause I don't feel like arguing with people. I argue enough with myself daily. I don't need to do it more. He then started doing EMDR (Eye, Movement, Desensitization and Reprocessing. I don't know who the hell came up with this shit but it is garbage. You are supposed to think of a traumatic time in your life, which he makes me focus on one that happened with my dad. I should of never told him this. I don't like to relive it every week! Then he moves his hands and you are to follow it with your eyes and think of that situation. Then you are supposed to feel better about it. IT MAKES ME ANGRY! I told him but he kept saying we just need to focus on it. I told him there is more than one incident that messed me up, not just that particular one. I was an adult when that happened for Pete's sake.
After about my 3rd or 4th EMDR session, I went on a downward spiral. I cancelled my appoinents, started spending money on random things that no one needs. Blowing money like a hooker blows her John's. I would be up all night feeling angry, sad, never happy and I wanted to die. I became mean. I would catch myself sometimes and try to stop it, but failed. I just don't want to remember that moment when my dad publicly humiliated me in front of family and an entire restaurant. I used to hang my head and fight tears when I would think about it, now I just want to punch his face in. My dad always humiliated me due to my weight. I was never thin enough, never pretty enough and never good enough.
My aunt and uncle came in from out of state. My dad wanted to go up to the Silver Mines in Park City. He was going to pay for his girlfriend, my older brother, his wife and two kids. He asked if I wanted to go and I said, "No." He asked me why and I told him I couldn't afford it. I had a job that didn't pay very much, and every penny I earned went towards bills. I didn't even have enough left for gas in my car, but I made it work until I found another job of course. He got a lil upset and told me that he would pay for me that he was paying for everyone else so what would one more hurt. I told him no that I didn't want him too. He then guilted me about not seeing my aunt and uncle. I told him I would see them when I got off work at my cousins house before they left. She was going to have a BBQ and invited the family over. I finally gave in and went. When we got there, my dad paid for us all like he said. After the tour, my uncle stated he was hungry and suggested we all go to lunch. I was starving and really just wanted to go home so I could eat. But my dad agreed to go. I had NO intensions of ordering food because my dad always pointed out to everyone how fat I was while I was eating. I wasn't really that fat. We sat down and the waiter come up to take our order, I ordered a glass of water and said I wasn't hungry. My dad opened his mouth and said, "Oh you are hungry! You just aren't going to order cause you don't have any money and want someone to feel sorry for you and pay for your way. Just like I had to in the mine. You don't get that fat by not being hungry." He said it so loud that everyone in the restaurant turned and looked. I wanted to puke I was so embarrassed. I just got up and left. I had to of course wait for them to leave because it was a long way home. My uncle came out and tried to speak to me. I just wanted to be left alone. He said he would buy my lunch that he was planning on buying anyways. I just said no and asked to be left alone. Funny thing, my dad sat right there and told my brother, his wife and kids that he would pay for their lunch. My brother even had a good paying job for that day. He couldn't keep a job.
My dad always put me down for my weight, even when I wasn't fat. I was very active and did have more muscle than anything but because I wasn't skin and bones I was fat. No one was ever skinny enough in my dads book. I am so ashamed of how I look, that right after my dad died, I took my inheritance and paid for a tummy tuck. I damn near died because the doctor was a butcher. He released me after I had lost 2.5 pints of blood and told me to go to the ER. My incisions became so infected because he didn't stitch them up correctly. My drain blew out an he would only cut dead tissue that was in the wound and left it open. I got pseudomanas, spent a month in the hospital, 2 weeks in a recovery center and wore a wound vac for 4 months. Even though my dad is gone, I know I am still too fat and still not good enough.
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