Journal Entry 2

  I am all over the place.  Once minute I am calm, the next minute I want to cry.  The next I am biting your head off for doing absolutely nothing.  I have been diagnosed with BiPolar 1 and PTSD.  I didn't know there was more than one BiPolar.  

I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow.  He is like the 10th one I have been too.  I liked him in the beginning.  Then he started talking politics.  UGH.... why can't people just not bring up politics and have a normal conversation.  I don't care what party you affiliate with, I am not going to discuss my political views cause I don't feel like arguing with people.  I argue enough with myself daily.  I don't need to do it more.  He then started doing EMDR (Eye, Movement, Desensitization and Reprocessing.  I don't know who the hell came up with this shit but it is garbage.  You are supposed to think of a traumatic time in your life, which he makes me focus on one that happened with my dad.  I should of never told him this.  I don't like to relive it every week!  Then he moves his hands and you are to follow it with your eyes and think of that situation.  Then you are supposed to feel better about it.  IT MAKES ME ANGRY!  I told him but he kept saying we just need to focus on it.  I told him there is more than one incident that messed me up, not just that particular one.  I was an adult when that happened for Pete's sake.  

After about my 3rd or 4th EMDR session, I went on a downward spiral.  I cancelled my appoinents, started spending money on random things that no one needs. Blowing money like a hooker blows her John's.  I would be up all night feeling angry, sad, never happy and I wanted to die.  I became mean.  I would catch myself sometimes and try to stop it, but failed.  I just don't want to remember that moment when my dad publicly humiliated me in front of family and an entire restaurant.  I used to hang my head and fight tears when I would think about it, now I just want to punch his face in.  My dad always humiliated me due to my weight.  I was never thin enough, never pretty enough and never good enough.  

My aunt and uncle came in from out of state.  My dad wanted to go up to the Silver Mines in Park City.  He was going to pay for his girlfriend, my older brother, his wife and two kids.  He asked if I wanted to go and I said, "No."  He asked me why and I told him I couldn't afford it.  I had a job that didn't pay very much, and every penny I earned went towards bills.  I didn't even have enough left for gas in my car, but I made it work until I found another job of course. He got a lil upset and told me that he would pay for me that he was paying for everyone else so what would one more hurt.  I told him no that I didn't want him too.  He then guilted me about not seeing my aunt and uncle.  I told him I would see them when I got off work at my cousins house before they left.  She was going to have a BBQ and invited the family over.  I finally gave in and went.  When we got there, my dad paid for us all like he said.  After the tour, my uncle stated he was hungry and suggested we all go to lunch.  I was starving and really just wanted to go home so I could eat.  But my dad agreed to go.  I had NO intensions of ordering food because my dad always pointed out to everyone how fat I was while I was eating.  I wasn't really that fat.  We sat down and the waiter come up to take our order, I ordered a glass of water  and said I wasn't hungry.  My dad opened his mouth and said, "Oh you are hungry!  You just aren't going to order cause you don't have any money and want someone to feel sorry for you and pay for your way.  Just like I had to in the mine.  You don't get that fat by not being hungry."  He said it so loud that everyone in the restaurant turned and looked.  I wanted to puke I was so embarrassed.  I just got up and left.  I had to of course wait for them to leave because it was a long way home.  My uncle came out and tried to speak to me.  I just wanted to be left alone.  He said he would buy my lunch that he was planning on buying anyways.  I just said no and asked to be left alone.  Funny thing, my dad sat right there and told my brother, his wife and kids that he would pay for their lunch.  My brother even had a good paying job for that day.  He couldn't keep a job. 

My dad always put me down for my weight, even when I wasn't fat.  I was very active and did have more muscle than anything but because I wasn't skin and bones I was fat.  No one was ever skinny enough in my dads book.  I am so ashamed of how I look, that right after my dad died, I took my inheritance and paid for a tummy tuck.  I damn near died because the doctor was a butcher.  He released me after I had lost 2.5 pints of blood and told me to go to the ER.  My incisions became so infected because he didn't stitch them up correctly.  My drain blew out an he would only cut dead tissue that was in the wound and left it open.  I got pseudomanas, spent a month in the hospital, 2 weeks in a recovery center and wore a wound vac for 4 months.  Even though my dad is gone, I know I am still too fat and still not good enough.

Journal Entry 1

 I am not sure where to start.  I feel like I am standing in a room full of people and no one sees me.  I feel like I am screaming and no one hears me.  I have never been one to speak of my problems or insecurities.  I crack jokes and poke fun of that kind of stuff.  I have a sinking feeling in my chest.  It truly feels like I have an elephant sitting on my chest.  I just want to cry, but I can't.

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I am in a place in my life where I know I have no purpose.  I don't have a job, I lost my job 7 months ago and I can't seem to find a job.  Sure many fast food jobs are hiring, but due to me having arthritis in my back, hands, neck, knees and hips.  Not to mention neuropathy in my feet and hands, I can't do that.  I live alone with a child.  My husband drives truck and rarely comes home.  Maybe every 4 to 6 weeks, sometimes longer.

I moved to a new state and left the state that has been home to me my whole life so he could live in his dream state.  I moved with his promise that he would be home more, but it is just the opposite.  I have no one to talk too.  My friends back home, most don't talk to me much anymore and the ones that do, seem to be busy when I call.  Some call back and some do not.  I don't want to burden them with my state of mine, they don't need to nor do they want to hear it.  I can't tell any of this to my husband cause it turns into a fight.  Hell, even when I am on the phone with him, it is me that carries the conversation if he answers the phone.  I usually get a text telling me he will "call me in a few" but he rarely calls, it is me who calls him back.

I truly know that I am a burden to everyone.  I get unemployment, so I can still help but feel like a HUGE failure.  My husband will complain that he has to pay rent on a house that he doesn't get to live in.  I have temporary custody of my 11 year old niece, and I pray she stays with one of her parents for a little bit in the summer.  I truly want to die.  No one will even know I am dead.  They'll just be like she isn't answering her phone.  Man I pray for death.  I truly just want to die.  My husband is all about the dollar bill, and well no one else really gives a shit.  So with me gone, no one will feel the burden and my husband will no longer have to pay rent for a house he doesn't get to live in.s

Who will put flowers on my grave?

Funny how you have all these friends...right?

I used to call my friends all the time, even after I moved to another state.  I mean after all, I don't really know anyone here.
It was the great conversations before, wanting to know how the move went, how I like the new state, then it came down to, I'll call you back and they never did.

The holidays came, and not one phone call.  I did send texts on Christmas as I didn't want to interrupt people.  No one called me or text me until I text them.  My husbands and other family member's phones blew up.  New Years, nothing.  I sent many text and made several calls.  No one reached out to me.  as he

I mentioned to a few that I feel bad cause no one bothers to reach out to me anymore.  I have since stopped calling everyone.  I still call my husband.  But the only time my phones rings is when my husband calls or a spam call.  Sometimes, I get an auto call from my nieces school informing me of snow days.

I deleted my social media account over 2 weeks ago, and no one even notices I am gone.  I tell myself everyday that I am going to end it all.  No one will ever know, except my husband, my niece and my animals.  I know it would destroy my animals, or so I think it would.

Once I am gone, and my ashes put in a jar, I'll be put in the ground with the ashes of my beloved felines that have passed on before me.  My grave will remain empty, as there will be no one to put a flowers on my grave.  I don't know why, but that eats at me more than anything.  My dad used to make sure to put flowers on graves every year, then as he got older, I would take care of graves closer to me and he would do the ones closer to him.  Once he passed, I did the graves.

Every year I put flowers on 14 graves, my husband put flowers on 6 graves.  He only does it cause I do.  He is on the road all the time, his family doesn't really care for me much.  I wish this miserable life would of never started, because regardless of anything good or bad that I have done, nothing will be remembered.

An Afternoon Sunset

Every morning behind closed curtains I watch the sun rise.  Every moment after that I watch the sun set.  It is dark in my world.

In case some of you who think you know or do know or have no clue what it is like to be in the mind of a depressed individual, I am going to share some insight.  Now, this information does not describe each individual as everyone is different.  But it may shed some light for those of you who don't get it, don't care or think you know everything there is to know cause it said so in a book.

You can wake up in the morning feeling like you just won the cover of a Wheaties box and other days you wish you were on the side of a milk carton.  There really is no between.  Doctors give you medication, safety plans, projects to do to better yourself, material to read to identify what you are going though, tests to take at every visit to rate you on a numbers scale.  Apparently mine are bad, cause I scored over 20 on each one.

When you are depressed, you don't want anyone's pity, nor do you really want their attention.  You don't even want your own attention.  You just want to close your eyes and wake up to sunshine and unicorns.  But that reality doesn't exist for you, only in your head.  So you withdraw, stop doing things you love, stop talking to those who you care or cared about.  You stop calling them, they stop calling you.  You may reach out to one here or there, but they are busy and don't have time to sit down and bull shit for a minute.  So that pushes you down even a little bit more.  Is it their fault,  no, but no one really has the time for you.  That is what you think and well you know it, right?

Maybe you become angry, maybe you cry, maybe you go and do something crazy, hoping these behaviors make it go away....They don't.  So you back away from people even further, you begin to distance yourself, eventually to the point your are isolated in your own hell.  No one will ever know that hell even if you spell it out for them.  Now your phone calls stop, so do your text messages and social media.  Hell, you may even shut down your social media cause no one really gives a shit about you, so why keep them informed.  They don't care enough to reach out.  You tried reaching out a few days, weeks maybe months ago and they didn't respond then so why the hell would they care now?

You have a few things in your life that make you happy, maybe a pet, maybe a secret place, maybe your bedroom, maybe your imagination of what it is like to be who you were before depression took over.  Maybe you no longer have that happy spot...maybe your happy spot is quietly in your head planning your demise.  After all, no one will care that you are gone.  No one is going to miss you.  I mean who really gives a fuck that you exist?  Your family?  They don't care....Your friends?  They have moved on with their own lives and well, lets be frank, you aren't a part of that anymore.

So reality sets in, but there aren't anymore tears to cry, there isn't anymore anger to blow....the only thing you have in an empty shell surrounding a heart that you pray stops beating sooner than later.  Maybe you blame God, maybe you blame someone who hurt you,  maybe a tragedy that happened to you, maybe it is something that has always been inside you that you have always ignored and you buried it. Now it has dug its way out and you no longer have the strength to bury it..

Some turn to drugs, that is a temporary cure, isn't it?  Maybe you turn to booze?  I mean, hey at least you may get a good night sleep.  Maybe you turn to food, it gives you comfort right?  Comfort food?  Or maybe, you've been there, done that and discovered that it doesn't work.  So now you try and reach out a few times more to people you feel comfortable with.  You call, no answer, or you get that text, "I'll call you back"  They are probably busy or maybe having a moment.  But nah...they don;'t want to talk to you, no one wants to talk to you.  As a matter of fact,  nobody gives a shit about you and well, let's be honest, they would all be better off without you...But then they call you back.  Could be a short but sweet conversation, maybe a long well needed one, or it could be that gave you a moment of relief.  You now say your goodbyes and hang up.  A few moments go by and you feel alright, someone does care , right?  No, they don't, they just called you cause they felt obligated too since you called them and they didn't want to be rude.  I mean after all, they have more important things to do that worry about you.

Now what, you have nothing.... Your family really doesn't give a shit, your friends don't either.  Now you choose to make a stand, you choose to take control of you,  you choose to write your final chapter in your so called "Book of Life"

Now, you may spontaneously go out and grab a gun, get a rope, grab a bottle of some toxic cleaner, maybe handfuls of pills....but some of us think it through... Yes we know you will be better off without us and we just want to make it easy for everyone.... So you decide, this is how you are going to do it.  No one knows you are hurting or that you are feeling this way cause no one cares right?  You look at your phone, maybe social media, oh someone commented on your post, but that last phone calls you have had were someone trying to sell you something or robo calls.

No one can know you feel this way, cause you don't let them.  When you do see people, maybe at the store or maybe while you are out doing things and run into someone.  When you did go hang out with your friends or family you were happy, funny and doing great....That's what you make them think anyways.

You set the day, the time and the place....time doesn't really matter, all is going to go well and you my friend are going to be pain free in a matter of minutes.  The time has come, you are ready and you are going to do this...you're not going to be a trend, you are ending your pain, you aren't seeking attention and truthfully you don't want anyone to feel bad for you.  No one is going to miss you and will finally be relieved you are gone.

You write your note, or maybe you don't.. You're not upset, or maybe you are.  Maybe deep down you are praying someone will come rescue you or maybe you pray they don't. But in reality, no one is coming.  You make your final move....POOF, you are gone.

This is not a story, this is a basic outline of what it is like to be depressed, to be suicidal.  When an individual is gone, they are gone.  There is no coming back.  Some say it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem,  But in our heads, it is the only solution cause nothing is going to get better, it will only get worse.  We hurt inside and out, and we know we are hurting others.  Do not take it personal.  Don't beat yourself up by saying "I could of been there more or I should of called"  Truthfully, once our mind is set, it is set and nothing really you can do.  We only want to end our pain...and it no way can we ever explain it to you to make you understand.  No medication is going to fix us, no book smart therapist, no safety plan and nobody.  Just sometimes, not every time, we may see a light, even if it is a dim light and some may get an ounce of hope.  It may last until their time has come by God's hand, or until the next time.

These steps do not take place over a few days or a few weeks...Most take years.  No matter how much light there is, in our world it is always dark.

Julie Cole

Emptiness

Do you know what love feels like?  Rather it be from a parent, sibling, family member,  friend or significant other.  Do you know what it feels like to be wanted?

The only thing in this life that has ever truly loved me and makes me feel wanted are animals.  Pets that I have had throughout the years.

My father, he chose the bottle over me,  my mother I didn't have the chance to get to know as she died when I was 4.  One of my brothers liked me when I was little, but as I got older he never really kept in touch.  My other brother liked me, but Cocaine was his true love, my oldest brother and I did not get along.  All of whom has passed.

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I lived with my cousin who made it very clear the hate she had for me.  In the public eye she was kind and loving, but when there wasn't anyone around, she was ruthless and mean.  My first husband used

me to get out of his current situation.  I worked three jobs to cover his spending habits.  He found another online 7 years later, and I sent him packing.

My current husband cares only about a paycheck and only about his truck.  He would much rather spend time on the road than here with me.  I gave up everything I knew and everything I had so he could fulfill his dream of living on the west coast.  I know no one out here and and living in a camper taking care of his brothers daughter.

I have my 3 dogs, 5 cats, I left my other cats back home.  I gave my home to his daughter and her family.  She agreed to take care of my animals until I can return to get them.  

I love my animals with everything.  They keep me calm, they warm my heart and they love me despite my flaws.  I become sad and miss them when I am away from them as I know they become sad when I am away.

Maybe I am not meant to be loved by a human.  Maybe I am only but a convenience for them.  I have never been good enough for any of them in my life whom I should of mattered too.  Sure I have friends, but it is rare they reach out to me, it is usually I that reaches out to them. 

In the end, it is just me and only me with my animals.  I believe my time is coming sooner than later and I worry who will take care of my babies.  No one will love them like I do and no one will mourn me like they will.

Depression strikes again...

I don't know why everyday I struggle to get out of bed, get dressed and do my daily routine.  I isolate myself and become highly irritable when I have to be around people.  My niece lives with me and has for almost a year.  She is undisciplined and has had no structure. 
She gets under my skin and taps on every last nerve I have.  She is back talks, disrespectful and is so so loud.  Spoiled too...I am partially to blame there,but I have cracked down.  I don't know how to handle her.  I have never been a parent and I surely would have never dared act like that as a child or even as an adult to my parents.
My husband gets after me cause I lose my patience and sometimes blow up but I am getting better at walking away, although she doesn't ever get it and follows me.  I tell her to give me my space and she is right up in my face and I blow. 
I agree to move to a different state so my husband can be happy.  We had no place to live, so we parked our camp trailer on his friends property.  I had only met these people once prior to moving and really don't know them.  I mean she seems really nice, but her husband gives me vibes that he doesn't want us here.
My husband is never home as he is gone on the road.  I will say he has been home a little bit more since we have moved here, but it isn't the same.  He is busy visiting with friends or doing  things around their yard with our stuff. 
I just feel so alone and truthfully invisible.  If my niece left for a few weeks, I swear I would disappear for good.   
I don't need to be found, there is plenty of wildlife around here, I am sure they wouldn't mind a fatty meal.  I truthfully don't want to be on this planet anymore.  I feel like I am being tortured for being such a horrible person.
Then there is the question "why"?  My whole family is gone.  Not that they really cared much for me.  They were not around.  In my older years, when I was old enough to drive, I would go see them, but it was very rare they came to see me.  I think the last time my dad came to see me is when I graduated High School in 1994.  He died in 2009.  Do they hate me that bad, that they don't want me over there?  Or is it that they like watching me suffer?

Wow!  So much has gone on since I have wrote last.  I decided to end my life, obviously it did not work.  I was at a wall and didn't see a way out. My husband and I had purchased some handguns so we could go shooting at targets and for protection just in case.  They mostly sit in their cases, locked and unloaded.
I was having a few months of internal grief and struggled daily.
I felt alone, empty, tired and seen no light at the end of my tunnel.  I put the gun in my mouth, it felt like it was in there for hours, but it was a matter of seconds.  I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and pulled the trigger.....nothing....I pulled it again....nothing.  I opened my eyes and the magazine had fell out and there was not a bullet in the chamber as I did not lock in the magazine, even though I thought I had.

I was then taken to a hospital and admitted into the "Nut House."  It was a humiliating and horrible experience.  Strip,   touch your toes and cough.  Wear this gown cause you c't wear your shorts cause it has a draw string.

The next day they had Psychiatrists come in and talk to me.  I begged and pleaded for them to release me and they agreed, although they were hesitant.  They referred me to a Psychologist who specialized in trauma and PTSD.  Needless to say he did not accept my insurance.  I found another counselor, but he seemed to be the patient and I the counselor as he talked about his childhood tragedies and never really let me talk.  I quit going a month after I started and did not bother finding another one.  I have just not had luck in finding anyone in that profession that I feel comfortable talking too.  Not sure still if life is really worth going on for.....